Interviews and flashes of my dad

     The dreaded interview process.... (excuse me while I go scream my lungs out).  I have high anxiety and and struggle when things are not in my control so the fact that I do not have a position locked down next year is a cause for hyperventilating for me.  I have had three interviews this week and I am hoping that I will hear something back from them. I also applied to several places that I have not heard back from yet either and that is also a source of anxiety for me as well.  I suffer from a lack of self confidence and that definitely comes across in my interviews.  So many times I have been on the verge of panic attacks because my nerves get the better of me.  My first interview of the week was in this manner.  Ironically it was at the school I had been teaching at so that should have given me less anxiety right? Wrong.  I wanted to prove myself, I prepared over the weekend, but I got thrown from my comfort zone  before the interview and then it went downhill from there.  I kicked myself as I usually do after these interviews knowing I had pretty much blown my chances and terrified that this was going to be the tone for the remainder of the summer and I would not have anything locked down at the beginning of the year.  Not sure how to keep from having this be the repeat scenario and have my heart beat out of my chest this summer, I started looking for ways to be guided through my interview.  Not a scripted response, but a guided outline of answers to questions that I was typically asked in my interviews.  I practiced and studied these answers (fully intending for them to be my scripted response).  Literally, I had my teacher planner with my notes in different color ink for the different colored questions and was practicing these answers as I was being walked to the interview room.  But when I sat down, I dont know why but an image of my dad flashed in my head and something whispered "Remember whose daughter you are."  I felt myself sit up a little straighter and in my head I began to model the ways I had seen my dad sit behind his desk and project confidence.  He knew what he was about and he had confidence in his intelligence and knowledge.  I felt at ease more so than I have in about 98% of my interviews and I know that came through as I was answering my questions.. I used the script as a guideline and felt as though I connected with the people I had interviewed with, which is something I usually dont feel at interviews.  Keeping that in mind, I continued with today's interview in the same tone.  Telling myself to be like my dad, I wrote post-it notes and placed them where I could see them (my interview today was online) and told myself in my head several times the same thing I did yesterday.  I dont feel as though it went as well as it did yesterday, but it was a HUGE improvement from Monday.  That in itself is an improvement.  

    One of the things I was always in awe of my dad about was the air of confidence, and way he was able to project himself as larger than life in any room.  When things didnt go his way, he didnt slump his shoulders and allow it to crumple and dent him.  He squared his shoulders and went on, learning from the experience.  My dad was and still is my hero.  He was a good guy.  He had people who didnt like him but that was life, you cant make everyone happy, and the ones who mattered thought he was awesome.  I remember at his memorial service looking out and seeing all the people and smiling at how many lives my dad touched.  He had bosses, old customers that had retired, friends and of course family, all there.  He knew what he was about and he did what he thought was right.  And it was the image of him behind his desk, with his glasses slightly askew, that projected in my brain as those words were whispered to me.  I felt my shoulders loosen and I sat up straighter.  Overall I have no idea how the actual interview went, but I felt better about my presence in the room and I know I answered with confidence (mostly).  I walked away feeling good about myself after that interview.  I had another interview today and I glanced at those notes a couple of times, especially when I felt myself getting rattled and I seemed to relax a little.  

I am unsure as I said how I actually did in my interviews, but I feel a huge difference, and that's key right? 

I miss my dad like crazy, and I wish I had half the confidence he did, but if he will hang with me while I fake it during these interviews....I'll take it.  And hopefully a teaching job or two will come my way.

Til then for each interview I have a new Mantra and I will remember who's daughter I am and take pride.